I hate feeling like I’m in a pressure cooker all the time.  I like to trick myself into thinking I’m independent, but I’m really not.  Sometimes I feel like Scarlett O’Hara, always depending on the kindness of strangers.  Or really having to depend on the kindness of strangers.  Sometimes I’m surprised and find a kind stranger, like last week when I needed to buy milk and my card wouldn’t work.  I had a $5 store reward coupon and I stretched to get exactly $5 worth of stuff so I could use the coupon to get the milk, except the coupon wouldn’t cover the milk and I was $2 short of cash to pay for it.  A nice lady came along and handed me $5 so I could get the milk. 

    I’m always overdrawn.  I can’t remember what started the roller coaster ride down, but I’m always at least $250 overdrawn when I get my child support.  The deposit goes in and just as fast goes out again.  Having a child with OCD makes it go a little faster.  He wants to read something when he wants to read it, not when I can afford it.  He wants to eat a particular thing and nothing else whether I can afford it or not.  Last week it was Panda Express Sweet Fire Chicken.  He gets bored.  On the other hand he has willingly given up all of his games and game systems so we can buy groceries when I’m out of money.  He has given up trading cards and books to buy other books.  He wasn’t always like that, but I’m glad he is now.   When he was little I made the mistake of telling him about collectibles and what “mint on mint card” and “mint in mint package” meant.  After that when we bought toys he wanted two so he could play with one and keep the other mint in it’s package.  As the OCD got worse he wanted three so he could play with one, have a spare in case something happened to the first one and he couldn’t play with it anymore, and one to keep mint.  It got up to five of everything before he finally decided one was ok again.  I think buried somewhere in my boyfriend’s garage there are tubs full of mint in the package toys.  I do have to admit he had good taste in toys.

    Anyway, back to the pressure cooker.  The telephone and internet are shut off because I can’t pay the rent and the phone bill.  I got a yellow letter from the electric company because I can’t pay them either.  Rent and groceries take all my child support and my SSI.  SSI is a joke.  I get $635 to support two people for a month.  A teenage boy puts away approximately $200 in groceries a week.  If I buy meat and vegetables my grocery bill for two weeks goes over $300.  By the time my overdraft is covered and the rent is paid the groceries take the balance below zero.  If I don’t do it we don’t eat.  I can cut down to one meal a day, though as a diabetic I shouldn’t, but A can’t.  I get just enough in child support to take me over the limit for any assistance programs.  Luckily I’m low enough to live in an income controlled apartment complex.  However because of the lousy economy there is no longer a housing authority in this city so no low rent or subsidized apartments.  The only way I could get a cheaper rent payment would be to buy a house and with my cash flow problems I don’t see that happening.  I feel the weight of impending homelessness or starvation almost constantly and there’s nothing I can do to change it.  A’s dad pays support voluntarily and it’s all he can afford.  He does come through with extra from time to time, but he can’t always pick up the slack.   Between my disability and A’s OCD neither one of us can work, though he is making strides in that direction.  He’d like to work at Barnes & Noble, but he has to be able to take a class to get his GED.  So far in the last month he’s mustered the courage to go into Walmart at 4 in the morning and into B&N three times.  I know it really stresses him out, but he’s trying and trying leads to becoming more comfortable and then to doing.  All I can do is hope that some day he will be self sufficient and will be able to live on his own.

    Until then I am at a loss as to how to make ends meet and keep the bills paid without losing my benefits or becoming homeless.  It’s a constant game of tug-of-war.